If you care to find me, look to the western sky

“WMU Bronco Welcome”

That was the title of the email I opened while taking a bathroom break at work last Friday. I’ll admit I was completely confused at first.

Why are they emailing me? What does this email mean? Am I accepted?

Was this a mistake?

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Now I know what you’re thinking, why would they unintentionally send me an email stating that I’ve been accepted when I haven’t. But even if in my heart I knew that there was never really any chance of me not getting accepted, my mind told me the exact opposite.

My entire life I’ve been told by people that I was never good enough. That I wasn’t smart. I wasn’t pretty. I wasn’t sociable. I wasn’t talented. Anytime I ever did something it just wasn’t enough. I grew up thinking that I wasn’t ever going to be enough for anyone.

Back in July I went to see a doctor for the first time in about four years. I told her about my usual aches and pains. Nothing she “diagnosed” was a surprise. Until she asked if I ever felt unexplainably sad. I told her I had and she responded asking me how often. I thought about it for a minute. I had never sat down and thought about it, but I realized that I was sad at least once or twice a week. She then asked what I did to deal with it, to which I responded that I just sat alone and cried.

I was “diagnosed” with mild depression that day and I’m sure you wonder why I used quotations on that. It’s because only that doctor has ever said anything to the idea of my depression being a real disorder. I’m fairly positive that she didn’t have a degree in psychology, so her word isn’t exactly law. I look back in retrospect and I’ve realized that I’ve been depressed since I was about twelve. Now what I think started my downward spiral into the problems I have now is an entirely different post.

“Chelsea what does this story have to do with you getting into college?”

Well I’ll tell you. Because of my depression, I’ve never felt like I was good enough to get into a four year university like Western. I basically have been internally battling myself trying to convince myself otherwise. No matter what I tried that small part of my brain kept whispering in my ear telling me that I am not good enough for this. I’m too stupid to get in to a university. I don’t have enough talent to be a musician. tumblr_mzdnihxnwo1s335yuo1_500

But the fact is, I did get accepted. I even now have the physical letter stating it. I’ll be going to Western this September and I couldn’t be more excited. Even though my mind still tells me that this is all somehow just a joke, I keep believing that this is the beginning of the next chapter of my life. A chapter where maybe one day I’ll be able to beat depression.

This is my Defying Gravity moment. This is the time were I say screw what everyone has ever told me. This is when I start trying to make myself happy before I even think about trying to make others happy. Because if that’s love then it comes at much to high a cost.

à bientôt

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