I am single. Single as fuck. Like seriously. I’m 23 and I’ve never had my first kiss. I’m that single. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t need to be in a relationship. I’m perfectly capable of living a fulfilling life without a significant other around. But I still want to be in a relationship. If not more for the fact that it would mean that at least one person in the great wide world finds themselves attracted to me. So let me rant for a bit.
What brings this up? Fucking Valentine’s Day. I hate this fucking holiday. Like I need one day devoted to reminding me of just how alone I am. I mean I have been single every Valentine’s Day of my life. Except 8th grade when I had just gotten my first boyfriend…. but we broke up the next day so… basically no, perpetually single.
Maybe my problem is that my standards are too high. A lot of people say that if I didn’t have so many rules for dating that the playing field would be bigger. But I have those standards for a reason. As any true romantic will tell you, standards are not ways of shutting out the world, but making sure when you find someone who meets them, it’s going to be the real deal. When I get in a relationship I want it to be real love because I don’t want to be used by assholes who are looking for a fling. (Not that everyone looking for a fling is an asshole btw) I want love, not like.
The other reason I needed to vent about this god awful holiday is because it basically slaps me in the face with everything that I want but don’t have. Like forgive me that I don’t have a steady relationship with someone who can afford to buy me one of those forever diamond necklaces from Kay Jewelers. You know the one I mean. Like I’d love to have that. Those necklaces are awesome. And okay so I might get a little couple jealous…. and by a little I mean that I get sickened by some couples because I’m so envious of their affection. Just once I’d like someone to hold my hand or cuddle me on the couch. But nope… I’m stuck with a throw blanket for cuddling.
You would think after 23 years on this earth that I’d maybe have seen enough romantic comedies and witnessed enough people getting together that I’d know how to do it too. NOPE! I don’t know how to talk to people like that. I’m just a big ball of awkward anytime anything even remotely close to romance comes into play.
Back in October I went to see the Ann Arbor Symphony Orchestra. I had to go for one of my classes (And they were performing Tchaikovsky so I was so there). Well I noticed this really tall guy that sat down two rows in front of me. From my angle he was pretty cute. But I thought nothing of it.
So the concert ends and I’m making my way out of the theater. Tall guy walks up to me and starts talking about the concert. I very awkwardly converse with him, even using my limited small talk skills. I found out he was British and living in New York. We walked for about a block and a half when he asked me to go into this upscale pizza place. I absolutely froze up. Now mind you, I’d been very awkward the entire time and this question caught me 100% off guard. Basically I told him that I couldn’t because I had to wake up early and that it was nice to meet him. I then drove home in complete and udder regret.
I may or may not also go for all the wrong people. Like sure I have standards, but it’s almost like my heart doesn’t remember that when I find myself attracted to someone. With my track record of simple crushes I might be scared that when things get serious I’m going to end up broken hearted. Let’s not forget the fact that every guy I’ve ever like has been an absolute tool. Like the literal definition of a tool. Not to mention that all the women have been straight. That’s always helpful. It’s like even though I have all my standards I just don’t feel like the people who fit them will think I’m good enough.
It’s really hard being the only one who’s single in a group of people. Like I have one friend who isn’t in a relationship… And she’s as single as I am. Like sometimes we seriously feel like we are going to end up like the Golden Girls… except neither of us will be Blanche… because we are that single. (At least we’ll always have each other)
But do you know what the whole point of this blog post is? It’s not self pity or a cry for attention. It’s my way of reinforcing the fact that I am a strong, smart, sensual woman who don’t need no one. I am perfectly capable of being happy on my own and that’s what I need. Ranting about things like this is my way of making myself feel better. Frankly I could give a damn if anyone thinks I’m complaining, because I didn’t just write this post for you to judge me. Because I know one day I’ll maybe not have to make things like this to cope with February stress.
I mean sure maybe one day I’ll end up like Taylor Swift in this gif,
but I am actually okay with that. (I mean look at all those adorable fur babies! And that stylish apartment) I’m okay with being the single friend for now. It gives me a chance to explore the world and figure out who I am by myself. It gives me a chance to define myself without someone else being apart of the equation.
The only thing I wish is that my friends will at least slow down on the weddings. Like it seems like every day someone else I know gets engaged. I’m totally happy for them and all but I mean besides being the single friend I am also the broke friend. Like I am more broke than I am single, I cannot afford to go to ten weddings. (It is so not that many, but it feels like it okay)
So while in the midst of this romance centered time of year, I’ll just keep my head down and most likely drown my sorrows in wine and chocolate. (Because it’s at a discount!) While being single can sometimes really suck, don’t forget that it’s also a very wonderful time too. You don’t have someone hovering over you telling you they don’t like that you would gladly sign up to sleep with Jared Padalecki for some sort of research project or that it’s weird that you have a crush on a member of the Continental Congress. Hopefully one day I’ll find someone who loves me for me and all my eccentricities. But until then I’ll survive and every night I’ll make this prayer just incase.