This is not my coming out blog post. This is not me revealing the big secret that I’m not straight. I’m not escaping the closet. Because I was never closeted. I just didn’t talk about my sexuality. Well now I am. I am just being honest and talking about my sexuality and my thoughts on sexuality. I’ve never once in my life stated that I was straight, so if you ever thought that I was then that was a preconception that you made about me. So let me just plainly state that I am not straight.
I have my entire life lived with the belief that every person was equal in my eyes despite their differences, including gender. When I was young I never really understood that having strong emotional feelings about anyone made someone different. I can very clearly remember listening to the radio many times and a song would come on that had romantic tones and I would say that it reminded me of one of my female friends. I didn’t understand then why people would give me funny looks when I said things like that. It wasn’t until eighth grade that I had any real exposure to anything other than heterosexuality. And then I realized that I in fact did have sexual and romantic attraction to more than just boys. I’ll admit that at the time I was scared to tell anyone, mainly because I was going to church and I felt heavily that I’d be hated and shunned because I liked girls too. I thankfully had the fact that I also liked guys to hide behind. I was lucky that I didn’t have to talk about any girls that I had feelings for, because no one needed to know.
Even with my apparent boy crazy tendencies, it was never about the fact that they were male. Really I just thought they were attractive. It was the same with the girls that I liked. I was simply just attracted to people. I never knew how to explain it though. I obviously wasn’t straight, but I wasn’t gay either. I fell into the term bisexual for the longest time because it was the best description, but it wasn’t the whole picture. I don’t find myself attracted to just men and women. I’m just attracted to people.
About two years ago I found my answer. while scrolling through tumblr one day I came across this post were someone was talking about how they didn’t feel accepted in the lgbt community because they weren’t a lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender. They described themselves as pansexual. Not ever hearing this term before, I did a little research. Pansexuality is basically described as being attracted to all genders, or not having a gender preference.
Now I know what you may be saying, how can you be attracted to more than two genders when there’s only two. Well first off, no there isn’t. There are many genders and even people who were born with the ability and desire to change their gender at any time they wish. Secondly my point of identifying as pansexual is to state that I don’t give a flying fuck about anyones gender. That’s not even just romantically and sexually either. I feel the same way about my plutonic, familiar and acquaintance relationships.
It’s my philosophy in life that being nice and respectful of everyone despite their differences is what makes this world great. Sadly it’s not everyones views. I know that many people read stories like mine and look at it as following a trend or being an attention whore. A lot of people don’t even accept that bisexuality is a real thing. So you can probably understand the frustration I feel whenever someone tells me that my sexuality isn’t real. Even people within the lgbt community have a hard time accepting it and frankly it’s extremely insulting. I, just like anyone else, did not chose the way I feel. It’s apart of my soul and my mind. It’s how I view my world, and my feelings and emotions are just as real as anyone else’s.
So why did I feel the need to post this? I could have easily gone the rest of my life without ever publicly talking about it. I could have let everyone I know continue to think that I was straight. I could have gone on and never been told I wasn’t sure of my feelings or that I didn’t know what I was talking about. I could easily have stayed in the shadows and not drawn attention to myself. But if I did that, I’d never be happy. I’d never get the chance to be free. I’d never be able to love whomever I happened to fall for, because they might not be male. I would never be able to fully be myself. And you know what, that isn’t how I want to live my life.
I love myself, maybe not always like, but always love. No matter what anyone says about me, I am exactly who God made me to be right now. There’s nothing I’d change, and if you love me, you shouldn’t want me to change either. I know the reality is that a lot of people I know aren’t going to be 100% supportive and accepting of me. And while it breaks my heart to say, if someone can’t accept me for exactly who I am, then they can join the long list of people who have already walked out of my life. If you think that I’m at all effected by your small minded opinions you are so sorely mistaken. I’m done being something that I’m not just to keep people around. You don’t like that, then leave because I don’t need your poisonous attitude.
If you don’t care however, you are truly a treasure in my life. More people need to be accepting of differences because it’s what makes this world interesting. No matter what your creed, religion, sexuality, or gender, I am totally cool with being your sassy gay friend. And you may join me in being totally fabulous bitches that don’t give a fuck about social standards. We can judge the close minded peasants from our thrones. Theres a reason we’re called queens.