Problems you have when you’re irregular.

Warning: if you’re uncomfortable with the topic of periods do not read any further.

Periods fucking suck. Like seriously how ever you believe that women were cursed with this wretched phenomenon, it does not distract from the fact that it’s absolutely horrid. So how can it be any worse? Well typically a woman gets her period for about a week once a month and it’s typically very predictable. But there are those of us who are not so lucky. We are the irregulars. If you aren’t one of us, you can’t imagine what it’s like.

So let me try to explain.

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Period tracker apps are confusing as fuck. When was my last period? How long did it last? I know that like I know the transcripts of the Dead Sea scrolls. Frankly it’s useless to even bother trying to figure out when your next period will be.

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Not knowing when you’ll start is like the most annoying waiting game ever. It’s like you don’t want your period to come, but you know it needs to.

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Sometimes it can even be two or three months between periods (or you know eight months(at least I hadn’t had sex back in August) and it’s just like a big sick joke.

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Not knowing if you’re pregnant or your body is just being a dick.

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When you do get your period it’s so unexpectedly that you’ve got an entire drawer just for period panties… that only became so because you were vastly unprepared for auntie flo.

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at least when it does come you know you’re not pregnant so that’s a plus.

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You basically live in constant fear that you’re going to start and that you’re going to bleed through you pants or worse onto you’re friends brand new white couch.

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And sometimes you are truly unlucky and start while you’re sleeping only to wake up to looking like you murdered someone in your sleep.

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You don’t wear white pants or underwear. Because any white article of clothing below your waist is liable to look like Carrie’s prom dress.

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The walk to the bathroom when you suddenly start.

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Calling your best friend from a bathroom stall because you forgot to bring a tampon.

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Because your friends always carry extra tampons and pads around you after they remember  you not being prepared that time you started on the 8th grade band trip.

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If it’s been especially long, the cramps are like actual hell. Your uterus has essentially decided to hulk smash it’s self out of your body.

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The best romantic moments can be utterly destroyed by the sudden start of cramps.

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You’re convinced your uterus has it’s own brain and is strategizing the best opportunities to fuck up your life.

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When you can’t understand why you’re is a bitchy mood and then the cramps start.

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Not having period appropriate food in the house because you literally cannot plan when to buy it!

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When you feel it actually happen.

So if ever you regular period ladies are feeling depressed because your baby maker wants to murder you by ejecting itself out of your vagina, just remember at least you had some warning.

à bientôt

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