God knows I’ve tried: An open letter on my depression

To you who has left, used, ridiculed, and belittled me,

You have broken me. You have taken the sweet loving little girl who saw the beauty in everything and everyone and you made her scared and lonely. You ruined me.

I feel worthless, more often than not. I feel ashamed of myself for things that shouldn’t matter to others. A major part of my inability to talk to people is because I’ve been told so many times that I was stupid for having my own opinions on things. I’ve been called a freak and weird and things that I don’t want to repeat because they are that ugly.

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There was a time in my life you labeled me a stalker, and the worst part of that was that it wasn’t just the assholes who started it saying that. It was you who I considered my friends. You who I trusted enough to let you get close to me.

It always seems like that’s what happens with me. I let someone in, close enough to really see me, but then they leave, or they put me down. And I’ve never understood why. I still don’t. I still don’t know why someone I considered my best friend would threaten to hospitalize me. I don’t understand why my friends would constantly tell me I was stupid for enjoying things they didn’t. I will never understand why I am the one who is always the better person.

I’m sick of being the better person. I’m sick of being the one who puts everything into a relationship just to have it all thrown back in my face because I’m not good enough.

But it’s how my brain is programmed. I’m just too nice. I care too much. I invest more than I should even consider. The pain was never meant to happen. How can someone who has so much love be in so much pain? How can someone who cares so much about everyone else be left to think that no one cares about her?

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You have caused me so much pain. More than I care to admit. You ripped my soul apart and the saddest part is that you did it with the knowledge that I would stay. You tore me down and I still cared for you. I hoped that maybe by continuing to show you kindness and love that you would return it.

You never did. Instead you continued to tear me down thinking I could take it.

I couldn’t. I can’t.

But I’d never let you see it. Because being weak in front of you was worse than the ridicule. Discussing my problems would make me needy. Crying made me pathetic. Being weak was not an option.

So I smiled and I laughed along. I allowed you to poison my mind to the point I started to believe what you said about me. I believed that I was stupid and worthless. I stopped talking because I had nothing important to say. I stopped creating because it wasn’t good enough. I became reclusive because no one wanted to be around me anyways.

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Not anymore though.

This is my goodbye to you and all of your poisonous ways. I will no longer accept you as a valid opinion. I am done listening to you. I’m listening to myself now.

I am smart. I am beautiful. I have importance. And for once in my life I am confident. I’m not fixed, and I may never be fully healed, but I have hope and I can love myself.

So all I have left to say is I hope you have a nice fucking life. Maybe one day you’ll understand the pain you caused me. Maybe not, but I know I will move past all of this. I will not feel sorry anymore because I have nothing to be sorry for. I will learn to love myself where you were inadequate. I’m sure karma will catch up with you one day.

à bientôt

 

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